you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
