Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
