She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
