Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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