rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize