What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
