why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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