Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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