we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
