and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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