I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
