I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
