My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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