Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
