My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize