i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
