Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
