Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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