Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
