I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
