I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Less talking, more tequila
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
