I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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