You just made me feel so damn special
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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