I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
