So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
