i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize