alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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