Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
