I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
