wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize