listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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