ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
