You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize