so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize