Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
