Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
