I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
