dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
