More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
