let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Success! We fucked roommates!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
