Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize