i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
