last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
