I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
