I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
