my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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