Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Pants are for mortals
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
