Jerry, you need to find god
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
