Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
