Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
