Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
