he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
