I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I need moral support for this bender
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
