so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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