You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
