just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
