I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
